Mental Health

Don’t Go It Alone…

Crisis. Grief. Healing.

Losing a loved one to violent crime is an unimaginable tragedy, and navigating through the aftermath can feel overwhelming. But you are not alone in this journey; it is important to acknowledge your feelings and seek the support you need.

Whether the victim of violent crime is a family member, friend, colleague, or someone else, most people, when it happens, are first looking for answers — they are not typically thinking about therapy. Instead, you’re in crisis mode at the onset. You want to know what happened, to catch the person who did it, so you can have some justice. “I’ll grieve later,” you’re thinking. Healing isn’t even imaginable — not yet.

Navigating through trauma and crisis can feel like an unconquerable journey, but understanding the different phases of healing can help you find your way forward. It’s important to recognize that healing happens in stages, and paying attention to what stage you find yourself in at any given moment is key. Be kind and be patient with yourself as you navigate this process. Symptoms of post-traumatic stress and depression are very common in situations like this. But if they become persistent or interfere with your daily functioning, it is imperative that you reach out for mental health services.

Here, we offer some guidance on the steps you might go through in your grief — an eventual healing — and how you can best take care of yourself, and your family, during this incredibly difficult time.

The Stages of Grief

At the onset of violence, you are in crisis mode. You may feel isolated. (“Nobody understands.”) You might want to resort to coping mechanisms — such as avoiding others or certain environments, hyper-vigilance, overthinking, substance use/abuse, self-harm — that you never previously considered in your life. Family systems might begin to fall apart.

Grief is a deeply personal experience and can manifest differently for everyone. You may go through its stages, from denial (I can’t believe this happened) to survivor’s guilt (How can I live with myself after this?). There is no timetable for these reactions.

However, there are common stages that many people go through, and knowing them may help you realize you’re never in this alone.

Shock and Denial: Immediately following the loss, you might feel numb, in shock, or in disbelief. It’s a natural defense mechanism that helps you process the reality of what has happened.
Pain and Guilt: As the shock wears off, it’s common to feel intense pain and sadness. You might also experience guilt, wondering if there was something you could have done differently.
Anger and Bargaining: Anger may surface, directed at the perpetrator, the situation, or even at your loved one. You might find yourself trying to make sense of the loss, sometimes engaging in “if only” thoughts.
Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness: During this stage, the reality of the loss sinks in deeply, leading to feelings of depression and isolation. Reflecting on memories can bring both comfort and sorrow.
The Upward Turn: Gradually, the intensity of the pain diminishes, and you begin to adjust to life without your loved one. This doesn’t mean you forget them, but you start to find ways to cope.
Reconstruction and Working Through: You begin to put the pieces of your life back together. This might involve seeking justice, finding new routines, or engaging in activities that honor your loved one’s memory.
Acceptance and Hope: Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re “over it.” It means you’ve learned to live with the loss and have found a way to move forward while keeping your loved one in your heart.

Taking Care of Yourself

Grieving is a marathon, not a sprint. Here are some ways to take care of yourself during this difficult time:

Reach Out for Support: Connect with friends, family, or support groups. Talking about your feelings can help you process your grief.
Seek Professional Help: A counselor or therapist specialized in trauma and grief can provide valuable tools and coping mechanisms.
Allow Yourself to Grieve: Give yourself permission to feel your emotions, whether it’s crying, anger, or sadness. There’s no “right” way to grieve.
Take Care of Your Physical Health: Grief can take a toll on your body. Try to maintain a regular sleep schedule, eat nutritious meals, and engage in light physical activity.
Create a Routine: Establishing a daily routine can provide a sense of normalcy and control in a time of chaos.
Avoid Major Decisions: If possible, avoid making significant life changes while you’re grieving. Give yourself time to adjust and think things through.
Engage in Meaningful Activities: Finding ways to honor your loved one, such as volunteering, creating a memorial, or pursuing a cause they cared about, can provide comfort and a sense of purpose.

Utilizing Support Resources

There are numerous resources available to support you through this difficult time:

Support Groups: Join a support group for those who have lost loved ones to violent crime. Sharing your story and hearing others’ experiences can be incredibly healing.
Counseling Services: Seek out grief counselors who specialize in traumatic loss. They can offer tailored support and coping strategies.
Victim Assistance Programs: Many communities offer victim assistance programs that provide financial aid, legal support, and counseling services.
Helplines: Crisis helplines can offer immediate support if you’re feeling overwhelmed. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need to talk.
Online Communities: Participate in online forums and communities. These can be a valuable resource for connecting with others who understand what you’re going through.

Remember, there is no timeline for grief, and healing is a gradual process. Be kind to yourself, lean on your support network, and take things one day at a time. Your loved one’s memory will always be a part of you, and through support and self-care, you can find your way forward.

There’s no right or wrong way to do this. But, where you can, you should be supported in the process. People often have a natural distrust of resources that come from law enforcement, but you have to have other people involved with this — in the crisis phase, in the grief, and in the healing. Accept the local resources and support being offered, from local nonprofits to more formal care recommended by the police or social services.

All you have to do is pick up the phone or otherwise reach out to someone; there’s a crisis line that’s available. There are resources out there to help. Just because you’re not getting answers regarding the crime doesn’t mean you can’t get answers to support your own experience and pain. Use the resources that those in the community are advocating for you at the time. (Yes, even if it’s law enforcement and you’re currently not happy with the answers you’re getting.)

Because your mental health — along with your physical health, social health, and community health — gets impacted by these moments.

Phases of Healing

Navigating through trauma and crisis can feel like an overwhelming journey, but, as with grief, understanding the different phases of healing can help you find your way forward. Whether you’re dealing with a sudden loss, a traumatic event, or a significant life crisis, it’s important to recognize that healing happens in stages. Here’s a friendly guide to help you manage each phase:

The Acute Phase: The acute phase occurs immediately after the traumatic event. During this time, you might experience a whirlwind of emotions, including shock, disbelief, and intense fear. Here’s how to manage this initial stage of the process:

Seek Safety: Ensure you’re in a safe environment. Physical safety is the top priority.
Allow Yourself to Feel: It’s normal to feel overwhelmed. Cry if you need to, express your anger, or simply sit in silence. Your emotions are valid.
Reach Out for Support: Connect with friends, family, or crisis helplines. Speaking to someone who cares can provide immediate comfort.
Limit Exposure to Stressors: Avoid consuming too much news or social media, as these can amplify anxiety and stress.

The Post-Acute Phase: As the initial shock wears off, you enter the post-acute phase. This is when you start to process what happened and begin the path to recovery:

Talk About It: Sharing your experience with trusted individuals can help you make sense of the event. Support groups and therapy sessions can be particularly beneficial.
Establish Routine: Bringing back some normalcy into your life can be comforting. Simple routines, like regular meals and sleep schedules, provide stability.
Take Care of Your Body: Physical health affects mental health. Engage in gentle exercise, eat nourishing foods, and get plenty of rest.
Explore Creative Outlets: Activities like journaling, painting, or music can help express and release emotions.

The Long-Term Phase: In the long-term phase, healing continues as you integrate the experience into your life and move forward. This phase is about rebuilding and finding new meaning:

Set Small Goals: Focus on achievable goals that bring a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small.
Stay Connected: Maintain relationships with supportive people. Isolation can hinder healing, so keep reaching out.
Consider Professional Help: Long-term therapy can be incredibly valuable. Trauma-focused therapists can guide you through complex emotions and help develop coping strategies.
Find Meaning: Engage in activities that bring joy and fulfillment. This could be through volunteering, hobbies, or new interests.

Remember, healing is a unique journey for everyone. Be patient with yourself, allow for setbacks, and celebrate your resilience. With time, support, and self-care, you will find your way through the trauma and into a brighter, more hopeful future.

For more information, please consider the following resources:

Additional National Organizations for Support

Here are some valuable resources and organizations in the United States that offer support to loved ones and survivors of violent crime:

National Center for Victims of Crime (NCVC) – victimsofcrime.org
- Provides comprehensive resources, advocacy, and support for victims of all types of crime.
Parents of Murdered Children (POMC) – pomc.org
- Offers support and advocacy for families and friends of those who have died by violence.
National Organization for Victim Assistance (NOVA) – trynova.org
- Offers crisis response, education, and advocacy for victims of crime and crisis.
Victim Connect Resource Center – victimconnect.org
- Provides a confidential helpline and online chat for crime victims to access information and referrals.
Office for Victims of Crime (OVC) – https://ovc.ojp.gov/
- Offers resources and support services through grants and programs for crime victims.
National Domestic Violence Hotline – thehotline.org
- Provides 24/7 support for those experiencing domestic violence, including chat and phone support.
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) – rainn.org
- Offers support for survivors of sexual violence, including a 24/7 hotline and online chat.
Crime Victim Assistance Network (CVAN) – cvan.org
- Provides information, support, and advocacy for victims of crime.
Survivors of Homicide – survivorsofhomicide.com
- Offers support and resources for families and friends of homicide victims.
Grief Recovery After a Substance Passing (GRASP) – grasphelp.org
- Provides support for those who have lost someone to substance use or overdose.
Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) – madd.org
- Provides support to victims of drunk and drugged driving, including emotional support and assistance with the legal process.

These organizations provide a variety of services, including emotional support, advocacy, legal assistance, and information on navigating the aftermath of violent crime.